Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
