"it" just moved
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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