He asked me if I "almost moaned"
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
