My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
