I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
