I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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