my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
