My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize