I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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