I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
