i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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