I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
