I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
