so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Drunk is not a location!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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