Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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