so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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