she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
