my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Sacagawea was the original milf.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
