What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
