You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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