as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
