if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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