I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
