I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
