I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It was confusing and full of hummus
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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