This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
