so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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