Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
