Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
