I faked an abortion last night.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I party with great urgency now.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
