This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
