Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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