Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
