my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
They are going to name an STD after you.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
