How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
