70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
