you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize