There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
