My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize