I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
