But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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