I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
