you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
