ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
