Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
All the doctor said was why
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
