Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
