i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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