After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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