she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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