two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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