Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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