I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
MIDGETS
????
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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