I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
