It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
pop tarts are not kleenex
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
