She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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