i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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