why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
