i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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