you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
