Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
